I have studied the Scriptures for almost twenty years and have clearly seen that God's Word addresses what I call the two sides of sexuality. By this I mean that He clearly communicates the reality of our external sexuality as well as our internal sexuality.

By the term external sexuality I refer to the actual sexual acts that you participate in with your physical body. These sex acts fall basically into two categories. The first category is comprised of sex acts approved by God in the context of a monogamous relationship with your wife. The second category includes sex acts that are disapproved and discouraged by God. These include sexual acts with anyone prior to marriage and outside of marriage.

In Scripture, God is very clear about sex acts of which He does not approve. When He wrote the Ten Commandments to His people, He stated clearly, "You shall not commit adultery" (Exod. 20:14). And He doesn't mince words in describing how committing adultery leads to death. (See Proverbs 5.)

For the expanded version of what God does not want us to do with our external sexuality, we have only to read Leviticus 18.

Some of you may object to this exhaustive list of shall-nots by saying, "That's the Old Testament." The truth is that both the Old Testament and the New Testament express God's heart for us to be sexually pure. God is clear throughout Scripture that He intends external sexuality to be reserved only for your wife. His concern is for your happiness as well as your wife's happiness. I personally think God has received a bad rap for communicating His loving concern about our sexual behavior.

As a sex therapist, I think I have heard about every sexual exploit listed in Leviticus 18 being committed by men who call themselves Christians. But I also hear of the tremendous guilt and shame, often suffered for decades, that participating in these shall-nots caused them.

God isn't against sexual fun, but He is against us hurting ourselves by misusing the gift of sexuality. I have never counseled anyone who has not felt some pain as a result of breaking God's perfect design for sexuality. God is love (1 John 4:16). He expects love to motivate us so that we can have the absolute best sex of our lives.

I know that some of you reading this book may be feeling some regret over your past sexual behavior. Jesus came to set us free from all of our sin, including sexual sin. In our journey together, I will walk with you down the path that will allow you to heal in this area. I know from experience that Jesus can heal, restore and give you sexual success all the days of your life.

In the New Testament the apostle Paul reveals more about God's warning to us to avoid all sexual immorality. He states clearly, "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery . . . orgies, and the like . . . those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God" (Gal. 5:19-21). This is strong New Testament language about external sexuality.

We read similar exhortations in other New Testament passages, including Romans 1, which describes God's judgments for wrongdoing, and Revelation 2, which exposes the false prophetess Jezebel who is leading church members into sexual immorality.

God Isn't against sexual fun, but He is against us hurting ourselves by misusing the gift of sexuality.

Sexual practices outside of marriage are wrong from God's perspective in both the Old and New Testaments. Of course, we know this; it has been preached for at least two centuries by Catholics as well as Protestants, and especially within evangelical or nondenominational Bible churches. So I won't belabor this biblical understanding because it may be so familiar that you actually tune it out. Like a song you have heard over and over again, this biblical message of morality can seem like background music you don't notice anymore.

Tuning out is especially true for Christian men who grew up in church youth groups. They heard the message of "don't touch the girls" too often. They got the message and don't need to hear it again. But these young men only heard or understood God's Word as it applied to external sexuality. While they knew they couldn't touch the girls, they believed that they certainly could look and not get into trouble. As long as the outside appearance was OK, they thought they could do whatever they wanted on the inside. This faulty understanding has created a duality in Christian men that keeps them from becoming sexually successful. For this reason, we need to gain a clear understanding of the other side of sexuality--internal sexuality.

Internal sexuality involves your sexual feelings, thoughts, fantasies and impulses. Internal sexuality is what you do with your eyes, your heart and your creative mind. This side of sexuality is also a gift from God.

This internal dimension of your sexuality can function undetected by those around you. You can lust after another woman's body without anyone knowing or condemning. At least that's what many of the Christian men I have talked to believed in adolescence. They rationalized that as long as they only looked and didn't touch, they were good boys.

As adults this now may sound immature, but when you're a fourteen- or sixteen-year-old, this faulty reasoning is to be expected. The problem is that some men remain stuck at that level of thinking all of their lives because neither they nor their spiritual leaders have adequately addressed the important issue of their internal sexuality.

To begin to address this issue, let's return to the backbone of our faith--the Ten Commandments. We have already discussed Exodus 20:14: "You shall not commit adultery." Now let's scroll down to the last commandment: "You shall not covet your neighbor's wife" (Exod. 20:17). This mandate deals with our internal sexuality.

God does not want us to lust, covet or sexually desire our neighbor's wife. I can imagine that some of you are already thinking, Well, I have six neighbors on my street, and I don't lust after or covet them, so I'm OK. That's not the point.

Jesus did a great job defining who our neighbors really are in the story of the Good Samaritan. (See Luke 10:25-37.) When you read the parable, you will rightly conclude that from God's perspective a neighbor includes everyone.

You may still try to rationalize, OK, if a woman is married, then I should be a good boy and not lust after her. According to that reasoning, you may still think it's acceptable to lust after single and divorced women. Not exactly--almost every woman you meet will be a man's wife someday. So, the bottom line: Don't lust after any woman. Other scriptures back up this point, making it obvious that lust is indeed sin. It is wrong. (See Colossians 3:5-6; 1 Peter 4:3-5; 1 John 2:16.)

The apostle Paul wrote to Timothy concerning a Christian man's right relationship with women: "Treat . . . older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (1 Tim. 5:1-2). Can you imagine lusting after your mom or sister? All women are sisters or mothers and children of God our Father. They deserve to be treated with absolute purity. Therefore, lusting after any woman as a sex object is undesirable and sinful in God's eyes.

Yes, you may notice an attractive woman, but to make a sex object out of her by continuing to check her out is wrong. Lust is a powerful enemy to your sexual success. It can lead you into all the wrong places. The apostle James warns us of the destructive power of lust: "Then, after desire [lust] has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (James 1:15).

I have seen this "death" progression in thousands of lives. The lust often begins in one's teen years and gradually spawns into behaviors such as viewing porn, fantasizing and masturbating. These practices continue into marriage. While they can go unnoticed by others, they leave the man indulging in them spiritually impotent (dead). What started simply as lust of the eye becomes a full-blown lifestyle of secret sin. Secret or not, sin does have consequences.

More often than not, those consequences include a husband losing his relationship with his wife and family. I have seen this lived out over and over again. Lust, sin and death are a straight continuum that is inevitable unless the man turns his heart to God.

I like to compare lust to an apple seed. Inside that little seed is the map to create an entire apple tree. It cannot happen instantly, and conditions must be favorable, but when that map is followed, an apple tree will be the inevitable result. Lust works in that same way. Your soul, which includes your mind, will and emotions, is the fertile soil in which the seed of lust grows. You plant that seed, and you continue to "nourish" it and water it. Then whammo! Over time you reap the sin and death that were part of the map inside of the seed of lust. Remember that lust is an internal sexuality issue that must be distinguished from other sexual issues in order to achieve long-term sexual success.

Lust is a powerful enemy to your sexual success.

If you truly understand how powerful this little seed of lust is, you will see why the Bible encourages us to run from it. The apostle Paul exhorted Timothy, "Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart" (2 Tim. 2:22, NKJV). God knows the power that the seed of lust holds. That is why Scripture warns us: "Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes" (Prov. 6:25).

Although others may not be able to see you lust, God does, and you will have to answer before Him for using your mind and time in this manner. Women are not on the planet for you to access their beauty by your standards. They are not to be scanned into your mind or heart in order to fantasize. Women are people, and more importantly, they are God's people. He does not condone lust, and we shouldn't either.

Pt I. - Why haven't men experienced sexual success?
Pt II. - God is against us hurting ourselves by misusing the gift of sexuality.
Pt III. - Five things you need to know if you want to get free--and stay free--from lust.